Blimey – Black Friday is upon us. I’ve just told the lads to steer clear of the shops. It can get nasty and I’ve had enough of injuries. I don’t need one of the Billys getting trampled on by a hoard of people looking for a cheap TV. I cannot afford for Darbs to get chinned over the last half price washing machine in Currys.
Anyhow, I thought I’d get my letter in the post to you.
I think I have been a good lad this year. Since you last came to my house a lot has happened.
I am still the manager of Bradford City despite the attentions of another Yorkshire club over the summer. After a slow start to this season, things are going really well. We are in a play-off position, heading in the right direction, and look a stronger side than last season. We have not lost in ten games and it is 668 minutes since we let a goal in.
The biggest thing that happened this year is that I got one over Jose Mourinho in his own back yard. That’s right Santa, we beat Chelsea 4-2! You probably read about it. It was a wonderful day. I’m sure you remember us getting to Wembley twice in 2013, and you brought me lots of nice things as a result. Well, we put Bradford City on the map again this year (hint hint).
Jose was very nice about it too. Although he’s been a naughty fella this year, I think you should still deliver some presents to his house for being so kind to us. I suggest a framed copy of this image for starters.
Unlike Jose, my own behaviour has been much better this year. I haven't been sexist to my own staff for starters (sorry Jose). I have not been sent to the stands for a while. I have refrained from throttling opposition players like I did against Leeds. I still get mad and jump around on the touchline a bit, but I’ve managed to get a lid on the anger. I don’t get in as many confrontations, as my assistant Steve just growls at opponents and they back down pretty quickly. Steve could pass SAS selection in a breeze. He’d sort Daesh in an afternoon.
I have brought in a number of new faces and got rid of a few old ones too. I know it is hard saying bye to players, but it’s done with progress in mind. I’m not being silly or nasty when I ship people off Santa. Some of the old faces were getting on a bit, some weren’t good enough and some weren’t part of the ‘inner circle’. Your red-nosed reindeer knows what I mean by that last point.
The new lads have adapted with varying degrees of success. Some started slowly and have got better. Some started well and have got injured. Some started well and have continued to look good. A new keeper from a big Premiership club was a bit shaky but he’s been released now.
In conclusion, it’s been a good year. So before we pop open the first door on the Advent Calendar, I thought I’d send you my Christmas list (below). Plus, December has some tricky fixtures and everyone could be on my back by the time Christmas comes around. The month kicks off with the visit of a side called Chesham, and they could really leave me with egg on my face. Yikes.
Thanks Santa.
PS - appreciated the swift sacking of Pressley on the back of my last letter. Nice work :)
My Christmas list
1. Promotion to the Championship
2. Reece on a permanent loan from West Ham for the rest of the season
3. Some money from Mark and Julian for the New Year, it’d be nice to have some brass available in case we need to push on
4. Kyel for a bit longer
5. A smile from Devante
6. Some of Ben Williams’ fortitude in a bottle to hand out when I need it
7. On the subject of Ben, some cotton wool to wrap him up in as I’m short of back up keepers right now
8. Another cup run but with fewer replays
9. An instant cure for medial ligament injuries
10. A picture book entitled ‘501 Fouls on James Hanson’ to send to all league referees
11. A muzzle for Mark Lawn – he sometimes goes off on one with the press and makes me feel a bit awkward
12. Some strategic PR advice on how to shake the Hoofball tag. We do get it down too
13. Steve Evans’ address, so I can pop round and leave a burning bag of dog poo on his doorstep for him to stamp on
14. More of the same support from the fans
15. Oh, nearly forgot. The usual sweaters please
Phil Parkinson (aged 47 until 1st December), as imagined by @jpieslak
